It's Not Over Yet

When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

You come through to the other side changed, whether you want the change or not.

I’ve stared death in the face before, but not like this. Not with my baby. Not with my life.

My heart was broken into a million pieces, and it’s taking time putting it back together again. It will always be the puzzle with some missing pieces.

Three months ago, I was laying on the couch, only getting up to go to the doctors office.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for modern medicine and technology, I maybe wouldn’t be here today...

But I am. And our baby is not.

That’s what I know right now.

To keep living is full of choices. To keep choosing love. To keep choosing life. To keep moving forward. To keep choosing to trust. One step, one breath, one moment at a time.

This weekend we snuck away to the wilderness. We played in the trees, hiked lots of miles, slept under the stars, ate around the campfire.

We foraged for mushrooms, picked wildflowers and walked in the rain.

We felt God’s peace again. Not that it ever left us, but that we made time to slow down enough to let it wash over us.

And in the midst of it all...

I felt hope stirring back up in my heart again.

I hate that this happened to us.

I hate that my belly isn’t growing.

I hate that the nursery is still my office.

I hate that our arms are empty.

But I’m here.

And that means God is not done with our story yet.

If you feel that your Hope has left you, keep fanning the flame. Keep digging in. Keep turning towards Him, even when you don’t feel like it. Keep whispering those Truths over your heart, even when your mind doesn’t agree with it yet.

There is beauty everywhere, just look up.

Your pain and your joy can co exist.

It’s not over yet.

How to Help Your Grieving Friend

Grief and pain are a part of the human experience. Inevitably, we are all going to go through grief in this life because it is broken and isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.

Grief takes all different kinds of forms, in my opinion. It’s not just when you lose someone you love, it can also be the loss of a job, a relationship ending, the loss of a dream, etc. My most recent grief is having a miscarriage in January and then having an Ectopic Pregnancy in March. I’m still in the midst of my grief. It’s raw and real and the world still feels grey most days.

The biggest previous grief in my life was when my older brother Kyle died when I was 13 years old. It was sudden, unexpected and formed me into the woman I am today. My childhood was filled with grief. Now, living through my current grief and looking back at my childhood, I felt there are some practical things I can share to help people who want to help their friend who is smack-tab in the middle of grief but aren’t sure how.

This beautiful, terrible thing seems to happen when you watch someone you deeply love go through deep pain — people don’t know what to do or say. So, often times they don’t do or say anything or when they do or say something, it is hurtful…

I’ve had people show up for me in crazy beautiful ways I can’t even put into words and other people show up for me in ways that make me want to pull my hair out. (Too much? ha)

Let me say this right now — I know you are trying to love them. The thing you want the most is to take away their pain, but you can’t. And honestly, nothing you do or say is going to take away their pain — so just let that pressure go right now. The goal isn’t to take their pain away, the goal is to sit with them in their pain and let them know they are not alone.

The LOVE from you is what they will feel, above all else. But maybe I could get a couple things in that cute little head of yours for the next time someone you love is going through grief, that won’t make them want to pull their hair out. Or go in the bathroom and ugly-cry because something you said. (Not speaking from experience….)

I also want to make this clear — doing something is better than doing nothing because you don’t know what to do. You taking the time to read this blog post already shows me that you are loving people the best you can because you CARE.

PS — for everyone who has showed up for us in our grief and pain this season, thank you. Your love has carried us through. Your love has given me the strength to even write this post. You’re our people, you know who you are, and we love you so so so darn much. Double PS — if you did or said one of these things that I say made me want to pull my hair out, I still love you. hahaha But seriously, I do. Thank you for showing up and being a light in our darkness.

I’m writing these with the idea of your friend is going through grief right now. Like, it’s the first months of their grief. There are many stages of grief. But this first stage (that doesn’t have a specific timeline or end date) is dark and very, very painful. This isn’t the time to try and make a new friend. If you didn’t know them well before their grief happened….you’re probably not a safe space for them right now. #toughlove

If the only thing you get from this post is one thing….I’d want you to understand this:

BE THERE for your friend in pain. In the midst of it. You don’t need to say anything most of the time…just let them know you are there. Whether it is you are physically there if they want you there, letting them know when they’re ready to talk you’ll take their call at any hour of the day, or if it’s dropping a gift off at their doorstep.

Be with them in their pain, don’t try and get them out of their pain.

---

THINK BEFORE YOU SAY:

Think before you say: “I can’t even imagine…..”

Option to say instead: “Wow, this really, really hard and it sucks.”

Oh, you can’t imagine? Cool because I didn’t want to imagine it either until it was happening to me. When you say that, it makes people feel even more alone in their grief. Makes them feel even more misunderstood because you just told them you don’t understand it/them and what they’re going through.

Think before you say: “Everything happens for a reason….”

Option to say instead: “I know you probably have many questions and feelings about this, do you want to talk about anything?”

Actually, a lot of things happen that are painful because this world is broken. Saying that everything happens for a reason implies that they should indeed be searching for “the reason” and one day they’ll have all the answers. When in reality, that answer might not come this side of Heaven.

Think before you say: “God won’t give you more than you can handle…”

Option to say instead: “This sucks and I am mad and confused with you.”

God doesn’t cause everything that is happening. SIN causes a lot of the pain in this world. When you say this, it implies that God caused their pain. And, then they’re supposed to go to the God that caused the pain to give them comfort. (This was TERRIBLE for my little 13 year old mind and heart when I lost my brother and effected my relationship with God for years.)

Think before you say: “I’m coming over…”

Option to say instead: “I dropped something off at your doorstep.”

Unless you are their best friend in the entire world or their mom, PLEASE do not stop at their house unannounced and ring the doorbell. (This is one of my biggest no-nos….) You know what a grieving person is usually doing? Lying on the couch or in their bed in their pajamas, no bra and most likely haven’t brushed their teeth or cleaned their house in days. The last thing they need to do is host uninvited guests.

Think before you say: “I know someone who (fill in the blank about the situation)”….

Option to say instead: “I bet this feels really dark, scary and unknown. I will be right here with in the questioning.”

“Someone I know had 10 miscarriages and then had a healthy baby..”, “I know someone who lost her husband and then married another man she loved….” etc. I really do think people mean well when they say this, but I think it more shows how uncomfortable YOU are in their pain. You want it to go away. You are trying to get your friend out of pain. You don’t want them to be sad, it feels like you’re throwing a “happy sticker” over their pain. What happened SUCKED and they’re probably not ready to start thinking about the what’s next yet.

Think before you say: “God needed another angel”….

Option to say instead: “I bet this is really painful. Do you want to share a memory of them with me?”

Firstly, that’s not the way it works in the spiritual realm. Secondly, don’t say this. I know people always have good intentions with this…but your friend doesn’t need you to try and make a purpose out of their pain. They need you to sit with them in their pain.

GIFT IDEAS:

• Your Presence — Your presence alone is a huge gift (if they want to be with people). And like I said earlier, if you didn’t know them well before their grief….this is not the time to see if they want to be friends. If you know them enough to hold them and hug them while they ugly cry, and are comfortable sitting in a silent room with them, I can almost guarantee they would love for you to come sit with them.

• Pajamas — There comes a time when you will lovingly help your loved one get out of their house and into real clothes and “move on” with their life, but the beginning days of grief are not that time. They are living in their jammies. Do them a solid and bring them the comfiest pair you can find.

• A Blanket — I don’t care what season it is outside…. a fluffy, soft, dreamy blanket will feel like a hug. And they need a lot of hugs. (Or if they’re not physical touch people, a lot of blankets.)

• A Plant — If you know they like them. And preferably an easy one because it will probably be forgotten to be watered…. I like that idea of a plant over flowers because plants (hopefully) won’t die in a few days. It’s a little loving reminder for them that life can and will be beautiful for them again (without saying it).

• A Mug — A hug in a mug, I like to say. Add some calming tea like Chamomile, their fave local coffee to brew in the mornings, some hot cocoa…

• Meaningful Jewelry — One of my friends got me a necklace with the birth flower of our first baby and I bawled my eyes out. I was so touched she thought of that and wear it often, especially the days I’m really sad.

• Dinner to Their Fave Restaurant — A place where they can order in or pick it up because they’re probably going to want to stay at home.

• Cook Them Their Favorite Meal — Food is often the last thing on the mind of someone grieving. make sure you text them and tell them what night you’re bringing it over. (If you don’t know them well enough to have their number or know their fave food…I’d probably choose another gift.)

• A Journal — Sooooo many feelings and emotions to process though. Grieving people need to get those feelings out to help start the healing process. In their own time.

• A Thoughtful Card/Note — Don’t give any of that Hallmark crap. hahaha Maybe this is my personal pet peeve. But buying a card that says “My greatest sympathies” and just signing your name isn’t from the heart. Tell them how much the situation sucks and you wish they didn’t have to experience this and how you will always be there for them.

End scene. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

But in all seriousness, the fact that you read this already shows that you are an amazingly loving friend. I hope I didn’t hurt too many people’s feelings with my #toughlove. How to help grieving people is something that is so rarely talked about, yet EVERYONE goes through it…it’s insanity, in my opinion. It seems like people turn into the awkward kid at the party who doesn’t know what to do or say when their friend is going through something hard.

We need to talk about it. We need to be there for each other.
I love this scene in Job 2…

“Now when Job’s three friends heard this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place…

They made an appointment together to come show him sympathy and comfort him…

And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven.

And they sat with him on the ground for seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was great.”

They dropped everything in their life to go and be with their friend who was in deep, deep pain. They sat with him on the ground for seven days, crying and not saying a word. Just went to be with him and comfort him. The truth is….there is nothing you can say that will take their pain away. But there are things you can say or do to remind them how deeply loved they, how they are not alone in this and you can step in and experience their pain with them.

In love,

JamieLee Joy

Is That Enough for Me?

In the suffering you’re faced with the question — if God is all that I have, is that enough for me?

He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

His promise to you when you are suffering is He is close.

Is that enough?

God, the creator of Heavens and Earth, thought so. It was enough for Him to choose to go to the cross so He could be close with us forever.

Isn’t that really what our heart is longing for? To be close with those that we love. It’s what grief is all about….the absence of the physical presence of the one you love.

God is love, and love transcends all time and space and understanding.

The same love is living inside of us.

Isn’t that amazingly beautiful?

I think that thought can get easily blocked when we are in the middle of our pain because in our human mind pain means there’s not love.

Which is why we often FEEL God is absent in our pain.

But in His Word he tells us He is close.

Do you think He put it that way because He knew how easily we’d forget that? That He knew how much we’d blame Him for our pain? That He wishes so badly He could explain it all to us but He knows that it won’t make sense to our human mind? So He promises this…..I am close to you. I am right here.

It’s like the child who runs to their room to throw a tantrum after they didn’t get their way….what they really need is for their mommy or daddy to come in, step into their pain and be with them. Hold them. Remind them that everything is going to be alright. Because they see the bigger picture. They hold more wisdom. They have experienced more pain which has resulted in deeper love.

Do you believe that God wants to do the same for you? Do you believe that He loves you so deeply and wishes so badly that you didn’t have to feel any pain?

In the middle of my suffering anger is often one of my first reactions. But what I’m learning about anger is it is most often covering up fear. When I’m scared and alone in an unknown place, I am less afraid when I am holding the hand of someone I love and trust, how about you?

And Then We Weren't....

In December, we found out we were pregnant.

In January, we had a miscarriage.

It felt like whiplash. One moment we were talking about names and how we wanted to decorate their room and the next moment, we were bawling on the floor knowing there was nothing we could do to change it.

We told a few close people we were pregnant. We knew we were “breaking the rules” and announcing earlier than you should. But we were so excited! I kept saying, “Because even if something were to happen….God forbid, I would want you to know about it.”

I didn’t want to think it actually would.

I woke up one morning with really bad cramps, waited to get into the doctor, cried on DJ’s shoulder, texted my best friend…but I knew in my heart what was happening. I knew this wasn’t normal. I knew we had lost the baby.

I tried to take a shower and I couldn’t even stand…not because I was in so much physical pain (which I was) but because I was in deep emotional pain. I fell to my knees….tears and wails of mourning came flooding out of me. All I could do was hold my belly and keep repeating, “I love you so much, baby. We wanted you so badly. I wish more than anything I could make this stop. I love you, I love you, I love you.”

I don’t want to share this to get pitty from people. The last few months we have processed + mourned with our trusted people. If this is something you are going through and have gone through, I urge you to do the same. It’s not something you are supposed to go through alone.

I wanted to share this because #miscarriage need more awareness. It happens way, way, way more than you’d think. Your friend. Your family member. Your neighbor.

6 in 10 women experience this.

1 in 4 pregnancy’s end this way.

That’s a lot of hurting moms and dads.

It is an experience where you look death in the eye, and as women, we physically feel death in our bodies. It’s horrible. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be.

We love you, little babe we never got to hold this side of Heaven. We can’t wait to see your face one day.

Xoxo

I’m always here to talk. To cry with. For a hug. You don’t have to go through it alone.

Grief + Joy Can Coexist

One this I’ve learned throughout life is this: grief + joy can coexist. 

In one hand we hold the reality of death, the awareness of the fragility of this life.  In the other hand we hold onto the Truth of His goodness. We enjoy every little moment, while holding onto it loosely knowing this isn’t our home. 

The gut-punch of the doctors call,

The knock on the door of dear friends. 

The statistics not in your favor, 

The favor of God poured out. 

The sorrow of lost dreams,

The warm embrace of a loved one.

The darkness of the valley,

The dawn of the morning light. 

One day will be a mountaintop, the next day you find yourself in a valley. Cling to the hope that the darkness can never overcome the Light. Hold onto your flicker. Hold onto your Hope. 

“He protects his flock like a shepherd; he gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them in the fold of his garment. He gently leads those who have young.” (Isaiah 40:11)

This was in my devotional this morning, a moment that brought me tears. My prayer is that we all would learn how to truly rest in his arms:

“We can rest in His arms, close our eyes and slow out breathes he sings over us. Instead of suffering our own pounding hearts, we can lean in an hear His steady heartbeat. It beats steadily with His love for us.” (From She Read Truth, God’s Presence Strengthens Us)

In the joys of life, we see glimpses of Heaven. In the darkness, we hear God whisper to us, “this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.”

In the steadiness of His heartbeat, we hear His love for us. Like a mother cares for her child, our Father cares for us. Hols us close, rocks us to rest and sings songs over us. He never lets go. He never waivers. 

Amen.

Oils + Prayer

Using essential oils for processing my emotions, grief and trauma was a blessing I had no idea was coming my way. Learning more about how oils work with emotions was one of those rabbit holes I went down and never came back out. There is so much to learn about it and so much freedom to be found!

Did you know our emotions are stored at in cellular memory and resides in certain regions + organs in our body? That’s why they say the body remembers, because it is remembering all the things you have gone through at a cellular level! Using oils aromatically and apply them to certain areas of the body will help your body release things that you are holding onto that were never meant for you to carry. 

Using oils + prayer has brought an abundance of emotional healing in my life. I put together this Daily + Prayer and Oils map for you, I pray it blesses you too. 

Xo, JamieLee Joy

Valor - Bravery and Strength, apply on bottom of feet.

Jesus, you are my solid foundation for which I stand on. Everything else in this world is sinking sand, fleeting, a vapor. Holy Spirit I know you are with me every moment today, help me to depend on You and be every aware of your loving presence. I rebuke the lies of the enemy who whispers that I am weak and can do this on my own. Lord, I trust You and believe you and believe you when you say you are my strength. (Ps. 18:2, Isaiah 41:10)

Harmony - Balance all emotions, apply over the heart. 

Jesus, you tell me in your Word that the heart is deceptive and that I need to take every thought captive. Help me to rely on your Spirit and not my flesh. Help me to listen to what You have to say about me, not what the world is screaming at me to be. Sometimes my emotions can overtake me because this world is heavy, but You God have overcome the world, my hope is in You alone. I rebuke the lies of the enemy that my emotions are what is true, Your Word is truth Lord. I choose to believe You and what you say today, even when it’s hard for me to comprehend it. (Jeremiah 17:9, 2 Corinthians 10:5, John 16:33)

Forgiveness -  Releasing hurt and pain, apply over belly button.

Jesus, you understand what it feels like to be hurt by those you love. Help me to remember that hurting people hurt people. Help me to forgive (insert name) today, for how they hurt me when they (insert what they did). I know that I have been forgiven by You for all my sins and it is in your grace that I can forgive anyone who hurts me. Satan scheme is unforgiveness, but You Lord are in the business of restoration and bringing dead things back to life. I rebuke the lies of the enemy that I have to hold grudges against anyone on earth any choose to believe your Truth that I can choose to forgive because you forgive. (Matthew 6:14-15, 2 Corinthians 2:10-11)

Present Time - Being fully present in this moment, apply behind ears. 

Jesus, I acknowledge that there is nothing I can do to change the past and nothing I can do to make tomorrow come faster. Living in the past or projecting toward the future is when anxiety sets in, You tell me in Your word to not be anxious and Trust You. You are omnipresent, I am not. When I choose to live in the present moment, that is where I will find Your loving presence. Help me to let go of the past with grace and wait in expectation for the good plans you have for me in the future. I rebuke the lies of the enemy that tell me I’ve messed up too much or tell me that I can control what happens tomorrow, I choose to loosen my grip and fall into your loving arms, today. (Matthew 6:34, Romans 12:2)

Release - Letting go of anger, apply over liver.

Jesus, you say in your Word that we should not let the sun go down on our anger. Help me to release my anger about (insert situation you are angry about). Our goal on earth is to be more like You,  and you are slow to anger and abounding in love. I want to be more like You, God. Help me to be more like You. I rebuke the lies of the enemy that holding onto my anger will change the situation, I chose to believe the Truth that You alone will make all things new. (Psalms 103:8, Ephesians 4:26)

Inner Child - Letting go of past, Apply under nose.

Jesus, heal me from the wounds of my childhood. Help me to release the pain and trauma of things that were done to me out of my control. Whisper to little (insert your name)’s soul that he/she is beloved and wonderfully made. Restore my heart, remind me today that Your works are wonderful and that you made me for a purpose. Remind me of the great plans you have for me. I rebuke the lies of the enemy who reminds me to visit my past over and over again. I choose to believe Your Truth that I am white as snow. (Matthew 5:48, Ephesians 2:10, Psalm 139:14, Acts 2:38)

Valor - believing and receiving all the above, apply on bottom of feet. 

Jesus, you found me out in the wilderness, in an empty, windswept wasteland. You threw your arms around me and lavished attention on me. Guarding me as the apple of your eye, cherishing me above all else. Like an eagle with outstretched wings, You cover and protect me, guide me and teach me. (Deuteronomy 32: 9-10)

Amen.

The Last One

This is a big one. Feels a lot like “The Last One” on Friends. Many tears, fears, thoughts and a mix of emotions. Really, I have so much I could say but it’s hard to find the words. It feels a lot life grief. But I think that’s because it is. It’s the letting go of something we worked so hard for, letting go of the dream we built. BUT we are moving on with hope and peace. Just because something is hard doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

For now, I will leave you with what I put on my social media this morning:

-The Last One-
Our coffee shops have been such an unexpected adventure from day one. From two kids dreaming big, reaching out, taking steps and moving home to make it a reality. Wow, what a ride! 
God’s hand has been in the midst of it all. Every step. Every decision. His ways are often times mysterious to us, but one thing for sure is they are always good. 
This season, God is teaching us how to let go…
The Kramers are stepping out of Mighty Mo.

DON’T FEAR, Mighty Missouri Coffee Co. isn’t going anywhere. We know that Brian and the team are going to grow and take it places! What an absolute honor it has been serving Bismarck-Mandan the best coffee in the world for the last 3.5 years. 

There are SO many things that this biz taught us. We embraced this season with everything that we had. Every moment, every hardship, every growing pain, every victory. One of the biggest lesson we’re taking away is every season is so precious. Looking back, you can see all the good shining through all the hard.

We are stepping away knowing that with God all of our dreams can become a reality. We are stepping away trusting Him, believing in Him deeper because we have seen Him work in such mysterious, tangible ways. 

As for what’s next for us you’re wondering? Yeah, we are too. 😉
What we do know is God is good and He designs our plans, we’re just along for the glorious ride. He’s the one who creates the universe with just one breath, He is the one we are trusting in and waiting expectantly for the next whisper. 

Brian, we cannot wait to see the way God works through you. You are strong, wise and passionate. What an honor it has been to walk beside you these last 3.5 years. 
Mighty Mo fam, we love you more than we can say. It has been such an honor to be a part of your lives, to lead you and teach you what we were learning. You taught us more than you’ll ever know. 
To all our friends, family and our dear customers who have supported us by purchasing coffee, praying with us, trying our recipes, spending time around the bar with us and believing in us….thank you. We are taking you with us wherever we go. 

We are grateful, thankful, and so so so very blessed. 
Cheers, 
The Kramers

Do You Want to Get Well?

Hello, sorry, that is my face all up in your face (I’m not the beeest at technology). BUT this is a photo of pure bliss because it’s one of my first times NOT WEARING MAKE UP out in public!!! If you’ve dealt with acne, you know.

“I honestly don’t care if people think I am pretty.”
I said this to my mom as we were driving to get lunch last week. She had just told me that some of her friends told her how they think I’m pretty and have nice teeth (haha). I blurted it out. She looked at me somewhat surprised…she knows the younger version JamieLee….that JamieLee wanted that deeply to her core.

Or that’s what I thought I wanted.

Growing up, I had zero self-esteem. Like, zero. Someone would tell me they like my outfit or that my hair looked nice and the first thought I would have is…well, they are just saying that because they feel bad for me.

Since around 13 years old I always had acne that I was very self conscious about. As I got older, that acne reared it’s ugly head, along with anxiety and depression that was so heavy it felt like I was drowning. This was the major reason I rarely left my house in 2018.

Honestly, nothing anyone can say about my personality, my looks, my talents…none of those words matter unless I feel it myself.

I truly don’t care if people “think I’m pretty”. What I care about is that I feel beautiful, whole and loved.

And that feeling doesn’t come from an outside source.

When I was dealing with acne (well, I still am but not in this major way) I felt dirty. I felt uncomfortable. I felt like I lived in a sweatshirt that hasn’t been washed in months and I couldn’t take it off.
I felt like I had dirt all over my face, that no matter how much I scrubbed…it wouldn’t come off.

I felt like the leper.

I prayed and prayed and prayed and whenever I prayed I felt God whisper,

“I will heal you.”

For months. For years. Same prayer.
There was something much deeper that needed to be healed. This was more than about my appearance. More than about my comfort. This was about Jesus bringing life into the parts of myself I didn’t even know were dead. This was about true healing.

I prayed and didn’t think I was getting the answer.

When the truth is, He was ready to heal me the whole time. But it wasn’t until I was ready.

“When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?" (John 5)

Truth is, the sin/unresolved grief/sadness….that was a much bigger healing that needed to happen. When Jesus asked me if I wanted to get well, if I wanted to forgive, if I want to move on from that……my mouth may have said yes but my heart said no. My thoughts said no. My actions said no, no, no.

It wasn’t until I fully surrendered all that needed healing until Christ healed my acne.

And I don’t think that’s a coincidence.

Could Jesus have taken away my acne it one breath? Yes. He has the ability to change any situation in a moment.

It’s like going to the doctor to ask him to put stitches in your arm when your whole arm isn’t even attached to your body anymore.

He knows what will bring your true healing. He knows what will transform your heart. He knows how deep the pain is. He knows how dark the night is. He knows how heavy the weight is. He knows how long the loneliness is. He knows. He’s listening. He is willing.

Friend, do you want to get well?

Silent Night

Sometimes it hits you. Like a boulder to the stomach, like a rush of cold air, like a feather gently on your cheek….it gets you.

Grief sneaks up on you in the most unlikely places. One moment you can go from being dressed as an angel sharing the good news to children with eyes filled with wonder, to bawling in the back corner watching your tears hit the dirt floor.

“Silent night, holy night….”

I start signing along. At first, merrily with all the Christmas Spirit….and then is hits me. This time, it came like a light feather gently falling on my cheek. The memories, the moments start coming to the forefront of my mind, one sweet memory at a time. Growing up, it was a family tradition to go to the Christmas Eve service at my Grandparents church. We’d all line up in the wooden pews, shoulder to shoulder, dressed in our Christmas best, giggling with youthful wonder. We would sit in the top balcony, if we had a choice, it was the best view in the house. The sermon would start as we’d doodle on our church program, anxiously awaiting for when it was time to pass out the candles.

My favorite memories are the ones where both my brothers are beside me. They’d tease me squeeze me and make me yell for mom…but when the candles came out it was like the whole world paused.

“All is calm, all is bright…..”

It was in those moments that little girl JamieLee started to understand what God’s peace was. A peace that makes everything else stand still.

As the years passed, the people in the pews changed.

The Christmas after my brother Kyle died, I remember sitting in the pew, not so merrily…

“Glories stream from Heaven afar

Heavenly hosts sing alleluia…”

The candles passed out, I stared at the flame. What is Kyle doing in Heaven? I could feel the warmth of the glow, I could feel the Peace trying to rise up inside me.

A few years after that, Grandpa went too.

“Sleep in Heavenly peace, oh…”

We kept going to Christmas service. We held on as a family, life doesn't stop even though your world does.

In the barn as I was singing…Grandma’s smile comes to mind now. Two Christmas’ without her here. No more Christmas’ in the church pew…

The people in the pews change, the pews change, but their love never leave us. Every time I sing, every time I stare at the flame, they are with me. I felt their love that night in the barn. I allowed myself to let the tears come, where we are broken is where the Light gets in.

We are human, created for love and for relationships. When what you are created for gets stripped from your very grasp….it is going to hurt.

But what is the most beautiful thing?

“Holy infant so tender and mild…”

The little babe. The infant in the manger, Lord at thy birth.

He was the same God in the manger, He is the same God now. The very meaning of love, the only reason there is love…coming down to Earth to set us free.

You can’t have love without pain.

Christ showed us that.

But the pain should not for one moment keep us from the love.

Christ showed us that, too.

As I cried in the back of the barn….I closed my eyes and let myself feel both sides—love and pain. How is it that a little babe born in a manger came to rescue us?

Only Love.

Inhale Peace, Exhale Power

Yesterday DJ and I were kayaking up stream. At the beginning I was thinking, “Oh boy, this is going to be hard”. But as we kept paddling…I started to become very aware of my weakness. There were boats and jet skis all around us adding to the chaos and the wind was not in our favor. As I was paddling I started relating my current situation to my life. A little too vividly at times as flash backs of playing on the river with Kyle and being on our boat, going to our house with a family and home that is no longer ours.

Losing Kyle at such a young age affected my view of the world for awhile, the pain of losing him affected my view of God. I had no idea how He was going to turn our mourning into dancing, no idea how I would ever feel peace again.

At my weakest point on this kayak experience, tears welling up in my eyes, wanting to stop but knowing I couldn’t because I would just get pushed back to where I began, I felt God’s whisper: peace and power.

Right hand pull; inhale peace. Left hand push; exhale power. Peace, power, peace power on repeat in my mind. In the same moment, same experience, same breath, experiencing two opposite emotions.

The other day I was asked what are the two most important things having Kyle as an older brother taught me. I paused, never have been asked that question before. Memories of Kyle teaching me how to reverse, shoot a free throw and stand up for myself come flooding in. Moments that seem a lifetime ago and yesterday all at the same time. Kyle taught me how to be strong & powerful.

 Kayaking yesterday was a perfect depiction of what grief has been like the past 13 years. I am in my little boat, trying to go upstream all in my own power. There are people passing by me, enjoying life with no worries, making my journey worse at times. There are moments where I thought I was doing great and then looked to my side to see that I literally hadn’t moved at all. When I stopped doing it on my own, when I asked for help, when I let DJ guide me…that is when I started getting somewhere.

DJ paddles to me and gently says, “I’m sorry this sucks. Come over to this side, the current is better. Stay right behind me, I want you close to me.”

With grief, there are no answers. Most times you just have to hold on tight and ride through the pain. There will be detours, people who make it worse and people who make it better, but the most important thing is to listen to Him lovingly calling you, “Stay close to me, I will show you the calm waters. Stay close,  I want you right behind me.”

Inhale peace, exhale power. 

Lean Into the Pain

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."

Psalm 34:18

There they come again, the deep aches of grief. The loud silence of the absence of the one you love. The hot tears running down your cheeks. The question of how could you have changed this? The confusion of why are they gone too soon?

These are not comfortable feelings and thoughts. Pain and grief are never comfortable. It is our human nature to want to pull in, away from the world. To want to go silent, keep to ourselves all the thoughts we not dare say aloud. 

Trying to do it on your own. Depending on your own strength. Keeping the thoughts of pain an anger to yourself in fear that it will hurt someone else. No mentioning their name, even though you are constantly thinking of them. I've done all this, it doesn't work. 

"Everything happens for a reason," someone tells you out of love, trying to give you comfort. 

We've all heard it. And sure, at face value it is true. But someone telling you that your brother died for a reason, that your mom was taken from you too soon, that you didn't get to watch your daughter grow up and living all your life never finding out what "the reason" is? Those words don't help the pain. 

So we run from it. We numb it. We distract ourselves. 

Yet, the loving voice of God says that he is close to us. He is there to comfort us, he has rescued us.

Some answers we will never know this side of Heaven. Our pain may have to be our cross the rest of our days, but find comfort because we are not carrying it alone. 

I don't know why you lost your job. I don't know why your son died too young. I don't know why your dad has cancer or why your mom lost her best friend. 

I don't know what your struggling with today, but Jesus does. He is withy you, always. He is with you and loving you through you anger, through your pain and through your doubt. He loves you and hates to see you hurting, that is what I do know. 

He is so close. He has rescued you. There will come a day where he will wipe away every tear. There will be no more mourning, crying or pain (Rev. 21:4) . There will come a day when you find out your answer, but for now trust in the One who holds it. 

Lean into the pain, on the other side is peace. 

His Love Never Wavered

"The thief does not come except to steal, and kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep."

Isaiah 43:2

I spent much of my childhood being mad at God. I heard people talk about how He was good and faithful and how he cares for us, but I could not comprehend how any of that was true when he took my brother from me. 

My brother died when I was thirteen. Losing him really messed up my relationship with God for awhile. I wanted to believe that He was good and He wanted the best for me, but my belief was clouded with so much pain. 

You cannot put a time limit on a grieving heart, and what I am finding out is it will always hurt. There is healing in the midst of the pain, however, you have to learn how to let people walk through the pain with you to find it. Most of my grief I tried to walk in it alone. I tried to figure it out between me and God, asking questions but not getting the answers (or maybe I was just not liking the answers I was getting). God's grace is what kept me living through that time, but he also designed us to be in community with one another. Me trying to do it all on my own was not working well. 

When I got married to my sweet husband DJ is when I truly realized I had to start talking. I had to talk about the pain I was feeling and invite people into the dark corners of my heart. I had to believe DJ when he told me he loved me even though I thought and felt the things I was feeling and could not love myself.

DJ never wavered in his love for me. Through DJ's love I have realized that this is the way God has felt about me my whole life. No matter how mad I was at Him for taking away my brother. No matter how much I turned my back on Him for allowing certain things to happen to me. No matter how much I wandered and tried to go my own way...His love never wavered for me and it never will. 

Like a sheep, I was prone to wander. There were, and still are, seasons after losing my brother that feel long and dark. Seasons where I feel like I am out in the field, all alone looking for my way home. 

But the Lord is our good shepherd. He is our home. He will go to the ends of the earth, the depths of the fields, the corners of the dark forest just to find you. He loves you regardless of your thoughts, his love has never wavered for you and it never will.