It's Not Over Yet

When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

You come through to the other side changed, whether you want the change or not.

I’ve stared death in the face before, but not like this. Not with my baby. Not with my life.

My heart was broken into a million pieces, and it’s taking time putting it back together again. It will always be the puzzle with some missing pieces.

Three months ago, I was laying on the couch, only getting up to go to the doctors office.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for modern medicine and technology, I maybe wouldn’t be here today...

But I am. And our baby is not.

That’s what I know right now.

To keep living is full of choices. To keep choosing love. To keep choosing life. To keep moving forward. To keep choosing to trust. One step, one breath, one moment at a time.

This weekend we snuck away to the wilderness. We played in the trees, hiked lots of miles, slept under the stars, ate around the campfire.

We foraged for mushrooms, picked wildflowers and walked in the rain.

We felt God’s peace again. Not that it ever left us, but that we made time to slow down enough to let it wash over us.

And in the midst of it all...

I felt hope stirring back up in my heart again.

I hate that this happened to us.

I hate that my belly isn’t growing.

I hate that the nursery is still my office.

I hate that our arms are empty.

But I’m here.

And that means God is not done with our story yet.

If you feel that your Hope has left you, keep fanning the flame. Keep digging in. Keep turning towards Him, even when you don’t feel like it. Keep whispering those Truths over your heart, even when your mind doesn’t agree with it yet.

There is beauty everywhere, just look up.

Your pain and your joy can co exist.

It’s not over yet.

Luteal Phase PM Tea

Since our miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy I’ve been diving deep into researching how to care for my hormones with food. One thing I’ve started to incorporate is seed-cycling!

It’s pretty simple:

The Follicular Phase of your cycle (days 1-14) you add pumpkin seeds and flax seeds to your diet.

The Luteal Phase of your cycle (days 15-28) you add sunflower seeds and sesame seeds.

To put it simply, seeds are PACKED with nutrients and eating certain seeds at certain times in your cycle helps to balance out estrogen and progesterone.

I love making this tea at night as I am winding down before bed. It’s calming, relaxing and delicious!

INGREDIENTS

• 2 cups milk of choice (I like coconut)

• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

• 1/4 teaspoon ground cardamom

• 1 teaspoon coconut oil

• 1-2 teaspoons maple syrup or raw honey

• 2 tablespoons sunflower seeds

• 1 teaspoon culinary grade rose petals

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a bowl combine all ingredients, let soak on counter for at least 45 min (soaking is important to get the nutrients out and soften the seeds).

2. In a blender or food processor add all ingredients and blend until frothy (about 20 seconds).

3. Strain the milk through a small strainer or cheesecloth into 1 big mug or 2 smaller mugs.

4. Heat milk on stovetop on low-medium heat until warmed all the way through.

How to Help Your Grieving Friend

Grief and pain are a part of the human experience. Inevitably, we are all going to go through grief in this life because it is broken and isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.

Grief takes all different kinds of forms, in my opinion. It’s not just when you lose someone you love, it can also be the loss of a job, a relationship ending, the loss of a dream, etc. My most recent grief is having a miscarriage in January and then having an Ectopic Pregnancy in March. I’m still in the midst of my grief. It’s raw and real and the world still feels grey most days.

The biggest previous grief in my life was when my older brother Kyle died when I was 13 years old. It was sudden, unexpected and formed me into the woman I am today. My childhood was filled with grief. Now, living through my current grief and looking back at my childhood, I felt there are some practical things I can share to help people who want to help their friend who is smack-tab in the middle of grief but aren’t sure how.

This beautiful, terrible thing seems to happen when you watch someone you deeply love go through deep pain — people don’t know what to do or say. So, often times they don’t do or say anything or when they do or say something, it is hurtful…

I’ve had people show up for me in crazy beautiful ways I can’t even put into words and other people show up for me in ways that make me want to pull my hair out. (Too much? ha)

Let me say this right now — I know you are trying to love them. The thing you want the most is to take away their pain, but you can’t. And honestly, nothing you do or say is going to take away their pain — so just let that pressure go right now. The goal isn’t to take their pain away, the goal is to sit with them in their pain and let them know they are not alone.

The LOVE from you is what they will feel, above all else. But maybe I could get a couple things in that cute little head of yours for the next time someone you love is going through grief, that won’t make them want to pull their hair out. Or go in the bathroom and ugly-cry because something you said. (Not speaking from experience….)

I also want to make this clear — doing something is better than doing nothing because you don’t know what to do. You taking the time to read this blog post already shows me that you are loving people the best you can because you CARE.

PS — for everyone who has showed up for us in our grief and pain this season, thank you. Your love has carried us through. Your love has given me the strength to even write this post. You’re our people, you know who you are, and we love you so so so darn much. Double PS — if you did or said one of these things that I say made me want to pull my hair out, I still love you. hahaha But seriously, I do. Thank you for showing up and being a light in our darkness.

I’m writing these with the idea of your friend is going through grief right now. Like, it’s the first months of their grief. There are many stages of grief. But this first stage (that doesn’t have a specific timeline or end date) is dark and very, very painful. This isn’t the time to try and make a new friend. If you didn’t know them well before their grief happened….you’re probably not a safe space for them right now. #toughlove

If the only thing you get from this post is one thing….I’d want you to understand this:

BE THERE for your friend in pain. In the midst of it. You don’t need to say anything most of the time…just let them know you are there. Whether it is you are physically there if they want you there, letting them know when they’re ready to talk you’ll take their call at any hour of the day, or if it’s dropping a gift off at their doorstep.

Be with them in their pain, don’t try and get them out of their pain.

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THINK BEFORE YOU SAY:

Think before you say: “I can’t even imagine…..”

Option to say instead: “Wow, this really, really hard and it sucks.”

Oh, you can’t imagine? Cool because I didn’t want to imagine it either until it was happening to me. When you say that, it makes people feel even more alone in their grief. Makes them feel even more misunderstood because you just told them you don’t understand it/them and what they’re going through.

Think before you say: “Everything happens for a reason….”

Option to say instead: “I know you probably have many questions and feelings about this, do you want to talk about anything?”

Actually, a lot of things happen that are painful because this world is broken. Saying that everything happens for a reason implies that they should indeed be searching for “the reason” and one day they’ll have all the answers. When in reality, that answer might not come this side of Heaven.

Think before you say: “God won’t give you more than you can handle…”

Option to say instead: “This sucks and I am mad and confused with you.”

God doesn’t cause everything that is happening. SIN causes a lot of the pain in this world. When you say this, it implies that God caused their pain. And, then they’re supposed to go to the God that caused the pain to give them comfort. (This was TERRIBLE for my little 13 year old mind and heart when I lost my brother and effected my relationship with God for years.)

Think before you say: “I’m coming over…”

Option to say instead: “I dropped something off at your doorstep.”

Unless you are their best friend in the entire world or their mom, PLEASE do not stop at their house unannounced and ring the doorbell. (This is one of my biggest no-nos….) You know what a grieving person is usually doing? Lying on the couch or in their bed in their pajamas, no bra and most likely haven’t brushed their teeth or cleaned their house in days. The last thing they need to do is host uninvited guests.

Think before you say: “I know someone who (fill in the blank about the situation)”….

Option to say instead: “I bet this feels really dark, scary and unknown. I will be right here with in the questioning.”

“Someone I know had 10 miscarriages and then had a healthy baby..”, “I know someone who lost her husband and then married another man she loved….” etc. I really do think people mean well when they say this, but I think it more shows how uncomfortable YOU are in their pain. You want it to go away. You are trying to get your friend out of pain. You don’t want them to be sad, it feels like you’re throwing a “happy sticker” over their pain. What happened SUCKED and they’re probably not ready to start thinking about the what’s next yet.

Think before you say: “God needed another angel”….

Option to say instead: “I bet this is really painful. Do you want to share a memory of them with me?”

Firstly, that’s not the way it works in the spiritual realm. Secondly, don’t say this. I know people always have good intentions with this…but your friend doesn’t need you to try and make a purpose out of their pain. They need you to sit with them in their pain.

GIFT IDEAS:

• Your Presence — Your presence alone is a huge gift (if they want to be with people). And like I said earlier, if you didn’t know them well before their grief….this is not the time to see if they want to be friends. If you know them enough to hold them and hug them while they ugly cry, and are comfortable sitting in a silent room with them, I can almost guarantee they would love for you to come sit with them.

• Pajamas — There comes a time when you will lovingly help your loved one get out of their house and into real clothes and “move on” with their life, but the beginning days of grief are not that time. They are living in their jammies. Do them a solid and bring them the comfiest pair you can find.

• A Blanket — I don’t care what season it is outside…. a fluffy, soft, dreamy blanket will feel like a hug. And they need a lot of hugs. (Or if they’re not physical touch people, a lot of blankets.)

• A Plant — If you know they like them. And preferably an easy one because it will probably be forgotten to be watered…. I like that idea of a plant over flowers because plants (hopefully) won’t die in a few days. It’s a little loving reminder for them that life can and will be beautiful for them again (without saying it).

• A Mug — A hug in a mug, I like to say. Add some calming tea like Chamomile, their fave local coffee to brew in the mornings, some hot cocoa…

• Meaningful Jewelry — One of my friends got me a necklace with the birth flower of our first baby and I bawled my eyes out. I was so touched she thought of that and wear it often, especially the days I’m really sad.

• Dinner to Their Fave Restaurant — A place where they can order in or pick it up because they’re probably going to want to stay at home.

• Cook Them Their Favorite Meal — Food is often the last thing on the mind of someone grieving. make sure you text them and tell them what night you’re bringing it over. (If you don’t know them well enough to have their number or know their fave food…I’d probably choose another gift.)

• A Journal — Sooooo many feelings and emotions to process though. Grieving people need to get those feelings out to help start the healing process. In their own time.

• A Thoughtful Card/Note — Don’t give any of that Hallmark crap. hahaha Maybe this is my personal pet peeve. But buying a card that says “My greatest sympathies” and just signing your name isn’t from the heart. Tell them how much the situation sucks and you wish they didn’t have to experience this and how you will always be there for them.

End scene. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

But in all seriousness, the fact that you read this already shows that you are an amazingly loving friend. I hope I didn’t hurt too many people’s feelings with my #toughlove. How to help grieving people is something that is so rarely talked about, yet EVERYONE goes through it…it’s insanity, in my opinion. It seems like people turn into the awkward kid at the party who doesn’t know what to do or say when their friend is going through something hard.

We need to talk about it. We need to be there for each other.
I love this scene in Job 2…

“Now when Job’s three friends heard this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place…

They made an appointment together to come show him sympathy and comfort him…

And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven.

And they sat with him on the ground for seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was great.”

They dropped everything in their life to go and be with their friend who was in deep, deep pain. They sat with him on the ground for seven days, crying and not saying a word. Just went to be with him and comfort him. The truth is….there is nothing you can say that will take their pain away. But there are things you can say or do to remind them how deeply loved they, how they are not alone in this and you can step in and experience their pain with them.

In love,

JamieLee Joy

Is That Enough for Me?

In the suffering you’re faced with the question — if God is all that I have, is that enough for me?

He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

His promise to you when you are suffering is He is close.

Is that enough?

God, the creator of Heavens and Earth, thought so. It was enough for Him to choose to go to the cross so He could be close with us forever.

Isn’t that really what our heart is longing for? To be close with those that we love. It’s what grief is all about….the absence of the physical presence of the one you love.

God is love, and love transcends all time and space and understanding.

The same love is living inside of us.

Isn’t that amazingly beautiful?

I think that thought can get easily blocked when we are in the middle of our pain because in our human mind pain means there’s not love.

Which is why we often FEEL God is absent in our pain.

But in His Word he tells us He is close.

Do you think He put it that way because He knew how easily we’d forget that? That He knew how much we’d blame Him for our pain? That He wishes so badly He could explain it all to us but He knows that it won’t make sense to our human mind? So He promises this…..I am close to you. I am right here.

It’s like the child who runs to their room to throw a tantrum after they didn’t get their way….what they really need is for their mommy or daddy to come in, step into their pain and be with them. Hold them. Remind them that everything is going to be alright. Because they see the bigger picture. They hold more wisdom. They have experienced more pain which has resulted in deeper love.

Do you believe that God wants to do the same for you? Do you believe that He loves you so deeply and wishes so badly that you didn’t have to feel any pain?

In the middle of my suffering anger is often one of my first reactions. But what I’m learning about anger is it is most often covering up fear. When I’m scared and alone in an unknown place, I am less afraid when I am holding the hand of someone I love and trust, how about you?

And Then We Weren't....

In December, we found out we were pregnant.

In January, we had a miscarriage.

It felt like whiplash. One moment we were talking about names and how we wanted to decorate their room and the next moment, we were bawling on the floor knowing there was nothing we could do to change it.

We told a few close people we were pregnant. We knew we were “breaking the rules” and announcing earlier than you should. But we were so excited! I kept saying, “Because even if something were to happen….God forbid, I would want you to know about it.”

I didn’t want to think it actually would.

I woke up one morning with really bad cramps, waited to get into the doctor, cried on DJ’s shoulder, texted my best friend…but I knew in my heart what was happening. I knew this wasn’t normal. I knew we had lost the baby.

I tried to take a shower and I couldn’t even stand…not because I was in so much physical pain (which I was) but because I was in deep emotional pain. I fell to my knees….tears and wails of mourning came flooding out of me. All I could do was hold my belly and keep repeating, “I love you so much, baby. We wanted you so badly. I wish more than anything I could make this stop. I love you, I love you, I love you.”

I don’t want to share this to get pitty from people. The last few months we have processed + mourned with our trusted people. If this is something you are going through and have gone through, I urge you to do the same. It’s not something you are supposed to go through alone.

I wanted to share this because #miscarriage need more awareness. It happens way, way, way more than you’d think. Your friend. Your family member. Your neighbor.

6 in 10 women experience this.

1 in 4 pregnancy’s end this way.

That’s a lot of hurting moms and dads.

It is an experience where you look death in the eye, and as women, we physically feel death in our bodies. It’s horrible. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be.

We love you, little babe we never got to hold this side of Heaven. We can’t wait to see your face one day.

Xoxo

I’m always here to talk. To cry with. For a hug. You don’t have to go through it alone.