Grief and pain are a part of the human experience. Inevitably, we are all going to go through grief in this life because it is broken and isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.
Grief takes all different kinds of forms, in my opinion. It’s not just when you lose someone you love, it can also be the loss of a job, a relationship ending, the loss of a dream, etc. My most recent grief is having a miscarriage in January and then having an Ectopic Pregnancy in March. I’m still in the midst of my grief. It’s raw and real and the world still feels grey most days.
The biggest previous grief in my life was when my older brother Kyle died when I was 13 years old. It was sudden, unexpected and formed me into the woman I am today. My childhood was filled with grief. Now, living through my current grief and looking back at my childhood, I felt there are some practical things I can share to help people who want to help their friend who is smack-tab in the middle of grief but aren’t sure how.
This beautiful, terrible thing seems to happen when you watch someone you deeply love go through deep pain — people don’t know what to do or say. So, often times they don’t do or say anything or when they do or say something, it is hurtful…
I’ve had people show up for me in crazy beautiful ways I can’t even put into words and other people show up for me in ways that make me want to pull my hair out. (Too much? ha)
Let me say this right now — I know you are trying to love them. The thing you want the most is to take away their pain, but you can’t. And honestly, nothing you do or say is going to take away their pain — so just let that pressure go right now. The goal isn’t to take their pain away, the goal is to sit with them in their pain and let them know they are not alone.
The LOVE from you is what they will feel, above all else. But maybe I could get a couple things in that cute little head of yours for the next time someone you love is going through grief, that won’t make them want to pull their hair out. Or go in the bathroom and ugly-cry because something you said. (Not speaking from experience….)
I also want to make this clear — doing something is better than doing nothing because you don’t know what to do. You taking the time to read this blog post already shows me that you are loving people the best you can because you CARE.
PS — for everyone who has showed up for us in our grief and pain this season, thank you. Your love has carried us through. Your love has given me the strength to even write this post. You’re our people, you know who you are, and we love you so so so darn much. Double PS — if you did or said one of these things that I say made me want to pull my hair out, I still love you. hahaha But seriously, I do. Thank you for showing up and being a light in our darkness.
I’m writing these with the idea of your friend is going through grief right now. Like, it’s the first months of their grief. There are many stages of grief. But this first stage (that doesn’t have a specific timeline or end date) is dark and very, very painful. This isn’t the time to try and make a new friend. If you didn’t know them well before their grief happened….you’re probably not a safe space for them right now. #toughlove
If the only thing you get from this post is one thing….I’d want you to understand this:
BE THERE for your friend in pain. In the midst of it. You don’t need to say anything most of the time…just let them know you are there. Whether it is you are physically there if they want you there, letting them know when they’re ready to talk you’ll take their call at any hour of the day, or if it’s dropping a gift off at their doorstep.
Be with them in their pain, don’t try and get them out of their pain.
THINK BEFORE YOU SAY:
Think before you say: “I can’t even imagine…..”
Option to say instead: “Wow, this really, really hard and it sucks.”
Oh, you can’t imagine? Cool because I didn’t want to imagine it either until it was happening to me. When you say that, it makes people feel even more alone in their grief. Makes them feel even more misunderstood because you just told them you don’t understand it/them and what they’re going through.
Think before you say: “Everything happens for a reason….”
Option to say instead: “I know you probably have many questions and feelings about this, do you want to talk about anything?”
Actually, a lot of things happen that are painful because this world is broken. Saying that everything happens for a reason implies that they should indeed be searching for “the reason” and one day they’ll have all the answers. When in reality, that answer might not come this side of Heaven.
Think before you say: “God won’t give you more than you can handle…”
Option to say instead: “This sucks and I am mad and confused with you.”
God doesn’t cause everything that is happening. SIN causes a lot of the pain in this world. When you say this, it implies that God caused their pain. And, then they’re supposed to go to the God that caused the pain to give them comfort. (This was TERRIBLE for my little 13 year old mind and heart when I lost my brother and effected my relationship with God for years.)
Think before you say: “I’m coming over…”
Option to say instead: “I dropped something off at your doorstep.”
Unless you are their best friend in the entire world or their mom, PLEASE do not stop at their house unannounced and ring the doorbell. (This is one of my biggest no-nos….) You know what a grieving person is usually doing? Lying on the couch or in their bed in their pajamas, no bra and most likely haven’t brushed their teeth or cleaned their house in days. The last thing they need to do is host uninvited guests.
Think before you say: “I know someone who (fill in the blank about the situation)”….
Option to say instead: “I bet this feels really dark, scary and unknown. I will be right here with in the questioning.”
“Someone I know had 10 miscarriages and then had a healthy baby..”, “I know someone who lost her husband and then married another man she loved….” etc. I really do think people mean well when they say this, but I think it more shows how uncomfortable YOU are in their pain. You want it to go away. You are trying to get your friend out of pain. You don’t want them to be sad, it feels like you’re throwing a “happy sticker” over their pain. What happened SUCKED and they’re probably not ready to start thinking about the what’s next yet.
Think before you say: “God needed another angel”….
Option to say instead: “I bet this is really painful. Do you want to share a memory of them with me?”
Firstly, that’s not the way it works in the spiritual realm. Secondly, don’t say this. I know people always have good intentions with this…but your friend doesn’t need you to try and make a purpose out of their pain. They need you to sit with them in their pain.
GIFT IDEAS:
Your Presence — Your presence alone is a huge gift (if they want to be with people). And like I said earlier, if you didn’t know them well before their grief….this is not the time to see if they want to be friends. If you know them enough to hold them and hug them while they ugly cry, and are comfortable sitting in a silent room with them, I can almost guarantee they would love for you to come sit with them.
Pajamas — There comes a time when you will lovingly help your loved one get out of their house and into real clothes and “move on” with their life, but the beginning days of grief are not that time. They are living in their jammies. Do them a solid and bring them the comfiest pair you can find.
A Blanket — I don’t care what season it is outside…. a fluffy, soft, dreamy blanket will feel like a hug. And they need a lot of hugs. (Or if they’re not physical touch people, a lot of blankets.)
A Plant — If you know they like them. And preferably an easy one because it will probably be forgotten to be watered…. I like that idea of a plant over flowers because plants (hopefully) won’t die in a few days. It’s a little loving reminder for them that life can and will be beautiful for them again (without saying it).
A Mug — A hug in a mug, I like to say. Add some calming tea like Chamomile, their fave local coffee to brew in the mornings, some hot cocoa…
Meaningful Jewelry — One of my friends got me a necklace with the birth flower of our first baby and I bawled my eyes out. I was so touched she thought of that and wear it often, especially the days I’m really sad.
Dinner to Their Fave Restaurant — A place where they can order in or pick it up because they’re probably going to want to stay at home.
Cook Them Their Favorite Meal — Food is often the last thing on the mind of someone grieving. make sure you text them and tell them what night you’re bringing it over. (If you don’t know them well enough to have their number or know their fave food…I’d probably choose another gift.)
A Journal — Sooooo many feelings and emotions to process though. Grieving people need to get those feelings out to help start the healing process. In their own time.
A Thoughtful Card/Note — Don’t give any of that Hallmark crap. hahaha Maybe this is my personal pet peeve. But buying a card that says “My greatest sympathies” and just signing your name isn’t from the heart. Tell them how much the situation sucks and you wish they didn’t have to experience this and how you will always be there for them.
End scene. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
But in all seriousness, the fact that you read this already shows that you are an amazingly loving friend. I hope I didn’t hurt too many people’s feelings with my #toughlove. How to help grieving people is something that is so rarely talked about, yet EVERYONE goes through it…it’s insanity, in my opinion. It seems like people turn into the awkward kid at the party who doesn’t know what to do or say when their friend is going through something hard.
We need to talk about it. We need to be there for each other.
I love this scene in Job 2…
“Now when Job’s three friends heard this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place…
They made an appointment together to come show him sympathy and comfort him…
And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven.
And they sat with him on the ground for seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was great.”
They dropped everything in their life to go and be with their friend who was in deep, deep pain. They sat with him on the ground for seven days, crying and not saying a word. Just went to be with him and comfort him. The truth is….there is nothing you can say that will take their pain away. But there are things you can say or do to remind them how deeply loved they, how they are not alone in this and you can step in and experience their pain with them.
In love,
JamieLee Joy
