Hello, sorry, that is my face all up in your face (I’m not the beeest at technology). BUT this is a photo of pure bliss because it’s one of my first times NOT WEARING MAKE UP out in public!!! If you’ve dealt with acne, you know.
“I honestly don’t care if people think I am pretty.”
I said this to my mom as we were driving to get lunch last week. She had just told me that some of her friends told her how they think I’m pretty and have nice teeth (haha). I blurted it out. She looked at me somewhat surprised…she knows the younger version JamieLee….that JamieLee wanted that deeply to her core.
Or that’s what I thought I wanted.
Growing up, I had zero self-esteem. Like, zero. Someone would tell me they like my outfit or that my hair looked nice and the first thought I would have is…well, they are just saying that because they feel bad for me.
Since around 13 years old I always had acne that I was very self conscious about. As I got older, that acne reared it’s ugly head, along with anxiety and depression that was so heavy it felt like I was drowning. This was the major reason I rarely left my house in 2018.
Honestly, nothing anyone can say about my personality, my looks, my talents…none of those words matter unless I feel it myself.
I truly don’t care if people “think I’m pretty”. What I care about is that I feel beautiful, whole and loved.
And that feeling doesn’t come from an outside source.
When I was dealing with acne (well, I still am but not in this major way) I felt dirty. I felt uncomfortable. I felt like I lived in a sweatshirt that hasn’t been washed in months and I couldn’t take it off.
I felt like I had dirt all over my face, that no matter how much I scrubbed…it wouldn’t come off.
I felt like the leper.
I prayed and prayed and prayed and whenever I prayed I felt God whisper,
“I will heal you.”
For months. For years. Same prayer.
There was something much deeper that needed to be healed. This was more than about my appearance. More than about my comfort. This was about Jesus bringing life into the parts of myself I didn’t even know were dead. This was about true healing.
I prayed and didn’t think I was getting the answer.
When the truth is, He was ready to heal me the whole time. But it wasn’t until I was ready.
“When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?" (John 5)
Truth is, the sin/unresolved grief/sadness….that was a much bigger healing that needed to happen. When Jesus asked me if I wanted to get well, if I wanted to forgive, if I want to move on from that……my mouth may have said yes but my heart said no. My thoughts said no. My actions said no, no, no.
It wasn’t until I fully surrendered all that needed healing until Christ healed my acne.
And I don’t think that’s a coincidence.
Could Jesus have taken away my acne it one breath? Yes. He has the ability to change any situation in a moment.
It’s like going to the doctor to ask him to put stitches in your arm when your whole arm isn’t even attached to your body anymore.
He knows what will bring your true healing. He knows what will transform your heart. He knows how deep the pain is. He knows how dark the night is. He knows how heavy the weight is. He knows how long the loneliness is. He knows. He’s listening. He is willing.
Friend, do you want to get well?