I'm Starting to Notice a Pattern

I like to know the answers.

If there is a topic that interests me, I will go down a very long rabbit hole and learn everything I can about it (cough— oils, baking, cooking, yoga, coffee, writing, owning a business— cough).

So, when I don’t have a definite answer for something…it drives me bonkers. Truly. I need to go back and look step by step what I did wrong to make the bread not rise correctly. Or, if an oil helped me I need to dig into my textbooks and learn how that specific oil helped me in this specific way.

One of the biggest questions I could never “find the answer” to was, “Why did my brother have to die?”

It was a question that shaped my childhood really. It was the root of my sadness and my anger (and alllllll the emotions that come with losing someone dear to you). My little thirteen year old head could not wrap my mind around what it means when someone dies. Or how God lets things happen. Why does God let some things happen but save other people? I heard people talk about His Grace a lot…was our family not “good enough” for that kind of Grace?

This year I have been learning about how my beliefs are shaping my view of God. God is constant, He is steady and has never and will never change. My beliefs of this life, Him, eternal life, why things happen….those have all been shaped by my experiences and the things that I have learned from others along the way.

Now, I’m not going to go down the deep rabbit hole of a theological debate here. My point with all this is, I am a “feeler”, a super emotional gal. When I am feeling deeply it helps me to have an answer to what I am wrestling with. Even if I don’t like the answer. Can you relate?

If you’re into the enneagram, I am a 6. Learning more about the Enneagram and my number specifically has helped me give myself grace in those times where it feels like I am spiraling out of control in search of “the answer”. Sixes tend to reach out to everyone they love and trust to help them make a decision. (UM, YUP.) My mom and my besties are on speed dial. Or just ask my husband, I have to process everything out loud. And truly, sometimes if I am really emotional I need help just knowing where to go out for coffee or what shoes I should wear. When I am wrestling with something deep I do not have much other mental capacity for daily decisions.

I have blessed with some really awesome mentors in my life. We all need those people, the ones who know love you deeply but don’t always tell you what you want to hear—the truth.

Right now, my husband and I are making big decisions in our life. (Aka: the bigger the decision the more indecisive I get, yet the more I want the answer.) Whenever I reach out to one of my mentors and go for a walk or grab a coffee, I will have a question I want the answer to. Right now, they are big ones. Like, what am I supposed to do with my life?

Truly, I want someone to tell me the answer because I feel like that would be easier. Then I wouldn’t have to make the decision. Um…hello! That is a big thing to give someone else to hold the weight of.

But when I ask them, they gently remind me and guide me towards asking Holy Spirit.

Because, when you think about it, do you want someone with the worldly view telling you what to do (no matter how lovely they are) or do you want the God of the universe directing you and guiding you?

I think a lot of us go to the sources that are right in front of us. The people who’s voices are loudest. The ones who can give us the list of tangible advice that will supposedly get us from point a to point b.

But let’s think about this friend…

The God of the universe went to the cross so we will never have to be alone.

Say that out loud: The God of the universe went to the cross for me so I will never have to be alone.

That’s what “not knowing the answer” feels like to me…being alone.

But it’s a lie. The truth is….

The Holy Spirit will teach us everything. (John 14:26)

The Spirit comes to help us when we are weak. (Romans 8:26)

He is our Helper and will abide with us forever. (John 14:15)

He will guide us into all truth and will tell us of things yet to come! (John 16:7, 12-14)

The Holy Spirit is teaching us everything, even when we are weak because he is our helper and will guide us into all truth and things yet to come!

It’s kind of like when people say “Be careful what you pray for”. Because we may not always like the answer that He is giving us. And we are not going to understand what He is doing unless we sit at His feet and ask HIm. Maybe He isn’t withholding from us, maybe we just aren’t listening to what HE is saying. It is His truth that we need to cling to in times of chaos and confusion. When you start leaning into the relationship with Him more, it will only strengthen. Just like any earthly relationship—the more you spend time with Him, the more you will learn how to hear His voice.

What a blessing it has been that my mentors haven’t given me “the answer” I have been looking for, they have been teaching me how to run to the only One who can.

I Don't Have to Hurry, I Don't Have to Worry

Say Every Morning:
I’m not what I do.
I’m not what I have.
I’m not what people say about me.
I’m beloved by God.
It’s who I am.
No one can take it from me.
I don’t have to worry.
I don’t have to hurry.
I can trust my friend Jesus.
And share His love with the world.

I’ve been thinking a lot about affirmations. I used to think they were kind of “foo foo”. Then, the Lord brought 2 Corinthians 10:5 to mind. 
“And we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
It’s not about trying to make things happen in your life.
It’s not about controlling the outcomes.
It’s about palms up, surrender.
Our minds are fickle. 
We need to remind ourselves every day, every hour, every minute Who’s we are and why we’re here.

(Affirmations from Jefferson Bethke)

3 Reasons You Need a Mentor

Having a mentor is something I have always highly valued in my life. Truly, the older I get I don’t think you can have too many mentors. Business mentor? Check. Faith mentor? Check. Health mentor? Check. You get the point. Any/all areas of your life would grow with someone speaking life and truth into it.

A pattern I am noticing in my life though, you have to actually fully open up to your mentor. They are not judging you. They are there to help you every step. And to help you to the best of their ability, you have to give them your best. Here’s a little visual for what it looks like to keep things hidden and not bring your best…

Picture this: a house full of garbage. Garbage eveeeerywhere. In the bathroom, in the bedroom, in the kitchen, on the couches in the living room, in the entry way as you walk in. Guess what comes with unattended garbage? Rats. Little garbage = little rats. Abundance of garbage = huge rats. And lots of them. You can keep trying to get rid of the rats one a time as you find them. But guess what rats do? Produce more rats. But let me tell you something…

All of the rat-business can be avoided if you would just get rid of your garbage. Throw. It. Out.

That’s what a mentor is there for. To help you sort through your garbage, get it out of your house and then clean the floor and show you how to not have it pile up like that again.

I have been through a (few years long) season of throwing out my garbage. And let me tell you, my friend….I FEEL SO FREE. The most free I have ever felt in my life. I have 3-5 mentors I call regularly (yeah, really). We are not meant to do this life alone. These people have held me as I cried, prayed over me, spoke Light into my fears and celebrated with me as they witnessed me overcome. There are so many things I could say about how much I believe you need at least one mentor in your life. But let me start with these three.

1) They will tell you what you need to hear not just what you want to hear.

Guys. I love my mom. She is my best friend and confidant. But guess what? When I call her and tell her how mean someone is being to me or how life is unfair….she agrees with me. She sides with me. She looks at the situation through my point of view and feels it as I feel it. That’s great and moms are the friggin’ best! But some days I need someone to tell me that perhaaaaps I am not the one who is “right” in the situation. Someone to suggest looking at the situation from a different point of view.

(Same with your sister, your best friend, your aunt….they’re biased towards you).

When you have the same mentor over years, they will start to see your patterns. They can suggest that maaaaybe you are reacting to a situation not because you’re mad but because you're afraid. They see how you have reacted under pressure before and can remind you of the Truth that brought you through last time and will again.

2) They are a few steps ahead of you on a similar path.

In marriage. In business. In motherhood. No matter the situation there is someone who has gone before you. There is someone you can call and say, “Um, hi…did you feel like (fill in the blank) when (fill in the blank) happened?” The power of their reply being “Oh my goodness, yes! You are not crazy!” Can mean the wooooorld when you are having a hard day. They can warn you what to look out for. Share with you how they rested so you don’t burn out. Remind you of your passions and why you are doing what you are doing. Share how God had answered their prayers in a similar situation. Sometimes, we just need to know that we are not the only ones feeling the way we are feeling.

3) Celebrate with you!

This one has to be one of my favorite reasons have a mentor. To be able to call them up and tell them, “God answered!!” To shoot them a text and share that you completed that project you’ve been working on for months. To meet up with them, go for a walk and talk through the way that they have seen God moving in your life, when you maybe didn’t see it for yourself. Having someone deeply walk with you in your sorrows and celebrate with you in your joys is True Life. Life to the full. Grace overflowing.

So, sister. Do you have a mentor? If not, I deeply encourage you to step out. Trust me, the “right” mentor will find you, you just need to start looking. If you do have a mentor, reach out and share with them today how much you appreciate them!

Silent Night

Sometimes it hits you. Like a boulder to the stomach, like a rush of cold air, like a feather gently on your cheek….it gets you.

Grief sneaks up on you in the most unlikely places. One moment you can go from being dressed as an angel sharing the good news to children with eyes filled with wonder, to bawling in the back corner watching your tears hit the dirt floor.

“Silent night, holy night….”

I start signing along. At first, merrily with all the Christmas Spirit….and then is hits me. This time, it came like a light feather gently falling on my cheek. The memories, the moments start coming to the forefront of my mind, one sweet memory at a time. Growing up, it was a family tradition to go to the Christmas Eve service at my Grandparents church. We’d all line up in the wooden pews, shoulder to shoulder, dressed in our Christmas best, giggling with youthful wonder. We would sit in the top balcony, if we had a choice, it was the best view in the house. The sermon would start as we’d doodle on our church program, anxiously awaiting for when it was time to pass out the candles.

My favorite memories are the ones where both my brothers are beside me. They’d tease me squeeze me and make me yell for mom…but when the candles came out it was like the whole world paused.

“All is calm, all is bright…..”

It was in those moments that little girl JamieLee started to understand what God’s peace was. A peace that makes everything else stand still.

As the years passed, the people in the pews changed.

The Christmas after my brother Kyle died, I remember sitting in the pew, not so merrily…

“Glories stream from Heaven afar

Heavenly hosts sing alleluia…”

The candles passed out, I stared at the flame. What is Kyle doing in Heaven? I could feel the warmth of the glow, I could feel the Peace trying to rise up inside me.

A few years after that, Grandpa went too.

“Sleep in Heavenly peace, oh…”

We kept going to Christmas service. We held on as a family, life doesn't stop even though your world does.

In the barn as I was singing…Grandma’s smile comes to mind now. Two Christmas’ without her here. No more Christmas’ in the church pew…

The people in the pews change, the pews change, but their love never leave us. Every time I sing, every time I stare at the flame, they are with me. I felt their love that night in the barn. I allowed myself to let the tears come, where we are broken is where the Light gets in.

We are human, created for love and for relationships. When what you are created for gets stripped from your very grasp….it is going to hurt.

But what is the most beautiful thing?

“Holy infant so tender and mild…”

The little babe. The infant in the manger, Lord at thy birth.

He was the same God in the manger, He is the same God now. The very meaning of love, the only reason there is love…coming down to Earth to set us free.

You can’t have love without pain.

Christ showed us that.

But the pain should not for one moment keep us from the love.

Christ showed us that, too.

As I cried in the back of the barn….I closed my eyes and let myself feel both sides—love and pain. How is it that a little babe born in a manger came to rescue us?

Only Love.

Inhale Peace, Exhale Power

Yesterday DJ and I were kayaking up stream. At the beginning I was thinking, “Oh boy, this is going to be hard”. But as we kept paddling…I started to become very aware of my weakness. There were boats and jet skis all around us adding to the chaos and the wind was not in our favor. As I was paddling I started relating my current situation to my life. A little too vividly at times as flash backs of playing on the river with Kyle and being on our boat, going to our house with a family and home that is no longer ours.

Losing Kyle at such a young age affected my view of the world for awhile, the pain of losing him affected my view of God. I had no idea how He was going to turn our mourning into dancing, no idea how I would ever feel peace again.

At my weakest point on this kayak experience, tears welling up in my eyes, wanting to stop but knowing I couldn’t because I would just get pushed back to where I began, I felt God’s whisper: peace and power.

Right hand pull; inhale peace. Left hand push; exhale power. Peace, power, peace power on repeat in my mind. In the same moment, same experience, same breath, experiencing two opposite emotions.

The other day I was asked what are the two most important things having Kyle as an older brother taught me. I paused, never have been asked that question before. Memories of Kyle teaching me how to reverse, shoot a free throw and stand up for myself come flooding in. Moments that seem a lifetime ago and yesterday all at the same time. Kyle taught me how to be strong & powerful.

 Kayaking yesterday was a perfect depiction of what grief has been like the past 13 years. I am in my little boat, trying to go upstream all in my own power. There are people passing by me, enjoying life with no worries, making my journey worse at times. There are moments where I thought I was doing great and then looked to my side to see that I literally hadn’t moved at all. When I stopped doing it on my own, when I asked for help, when I let DJ guide me…that is when I started getting somewhere.

DJ paddles to me and gently says, “I’m sorry this sucks. Come over to this side, the current is better. Stay right behind me, I want you close to me.”

With grief, there are no answers. Most times you just have to hold on tight and ride through the pain. There will be detours, people who make it worse and people who make it better, but the most important thing is to listen to Him lovingly calling you, “Stay close to me, I will show you the calm waters. Stay close,  I want you right behind me.”

Inhale peace, exhale power.