I like to know the answers.
If there is a topic that interests me, I will go down a very long rabbit hole and learn everything I can about it (cough— oils, baking, cooking, yoga, coffee, writing, owning a business— cough).
So, when I don’t have a definite answer for something…it drives me bonkers. Truly. I need to go back and look step by step what I did wrong to make the bread not rise correctly. Or, if an oil helped me I need to dig into my textbooks and learn how that specific oil helped me in this specific way.
One of the biggest questions I could never “find the answer” to was, “Why did my brother have to die?”
It was a question that shaped my childhood really. It was the root of my sadness and my anger (and alllllll the emotions that come with losing someone dear to you). My little thirteen year old head could not wrap my mind around what it means when someone dies. Or how God lets things happen. Why does God let some things happen but save other people? I heard people talk about His Grace a lot…was our family not “good enough” for that kind of Grace?
This year I have been learning about how my beliefs are shaping my view of God. God is constant, He is steady and has never and will never change. My beliefs of this life, Him, eternal life, why things happen….those have all been shaped by my experiences and the things that I have learned from others along the way.
Now, I’m not going to go down the deep rabbit hole of a theological debate here. My point with all this is, I am a “feeler”, a super emotional gal. When I am feeling deeply it helps me to have an answer to what I am wrestling with. Even if I don’t like the answer. Can you relate?
If you’re into the enneagram, I am a 6. Learning more about the Enneagram and my number specifically has helped me give myself grace in those times where it feels like I am spiraling out of control in search of “the answer”. Sixes tend to reach out to everyone they love and trust to help them make a decision. (UM, YUP.) My mom and my besties are on speed dial. Or just ask my husband, I have to process everything out loud. And truly, sometimes if I am really emotional I need help just knowing where to go out for coffee or what shoes I should wear. When I am wrestling with something deep I do not have much other mental capacity for daily decisions.
I have blessed with some really awesome mentors in my life. We all need those people, the ones who know love you deeply but don’t always tell you what you want to hear—the truth.
Right now, my husband and I are making big decisions in our life. (Aka: the bigger the decision the more indecisive I get, yet the more I want the answer.) Whenever I reach out to one of my mentors and go for a walk or grab a coffee, I will have a question I want the answer to. Right now, they are big ones. Like, what am I supposed to do with my life?
Truly, I want someone to tell me the answer because I feel like that would be easier. Then I wouldn’t have to make the decision. Um…hello! That is a big thing to give someone else to hold the weight of.
But when I ask them, they gently remind me and guide me towards asking Holy Spirit.
Because, when you think about it, do you want someone with the worldly view telling you what to do (no matter how lovely they are) or do you want the God of the universe directing you and guiding you?
I think a lot of us go to the sources that are right in front of us. The people who’s voices are loudest. The ones who can give us the list of tangible advice that will supposedly get us from point a to point b.
But let’s think about this friend…
The God of the universe went to the cross so we will never have to be alone.
Say that out loud: The God of the universe went to the cross for me so I will never have to be alone.
That’s what “not knowing the answer” feels like to me…being alone.
But it’s a lie. The truth is….
The Holy Spirit will teach us everything. (John 14:26)
The Spirit comes to help us when we are weak. (Romans 8:26)
He is our Helper and will abide with us forever. (John 14:15)
He will guide us into all truth and will tell us of things yet to come! (John 16:7, 12-14)
The Holy Spirit is teaching us everything, even when we are weak because he is our helper and will guide us into all truth and things yet to come!
It’s kind of like when people say “Be careful what you pray for”. Because we may not always like the answer that He is giving us. And we are not going to understand what He is doing unless we sit at His feet and ask HIm. Maybe He isn’t withholding from us, maybe we just aren’t listening to what HE is saying. It is His truth that we need to cling to in times of chaos and confusion. When you start leaning into the relationship with Him more, it will only strengthen. Just like any earthly relationship—the more you spend time with Him, the more you will learn how to hear His voice.
What a blessing it has been that my mentors haven’t given me “the answer” I have been looking for, they have been teaching me how to run to the only One who can.