Yesterday DJ and I were kayaking up stream. At the beginning I was thinking, “Oh boy, this is going to be hard”. But as we kept paddling…I started to become very aware of my weakness. There were boats and jet skis all around us adding to the chaos and the wind was not in our favor. As I was paddling I started relating my current situation to my life. A little too vividly at times as flash backs of playing on the river with Kyle and being on our boat, going to our house with a family and home that is no longer ours.
Losing Kyle at such a young age affected my view of the world for awhile, the pain of losing him affected my view of God. I had no idea how He was going to turn our mourning into dancing, no idea how I would ever feel peace again.
At my weakest point on this kayak experience, tears welling up in my eyes, wanting to stop but knowing I couldn’t because I would just get pushed back to where I began, I felt God’s whisper: peace and power.
Right hand pull; inhale peace. Left hand push; exhale power. Peace, power, peace power on repeat in my mind. In the same moment, same experience, same breath, experiencing two opposite emotions.
The other day I was asked what are the two most important things having Kyle as an older brother taught me. I paused, never have been asked that question before. Memories of Kyle teaching me how to reverse, shoot a free throw and stand up for myself come flooding in. Moments that seem a lifetime ago and yesterday all at the same time. Kyle taught me how to be strong & powerful.
Kayaking yesterday was a perfect depiction of what grief has been like the past 13 years. I am in my little boat, trying to go upstream all in my own power. There are people passing by me, enjoying life with no worries, making my journey worse at times. There are moments where I thought I was doing great and then looked to my side to see that I literally hadn’t moved at all. When I stopped doing it on my own, when I asked for help, when I let DJ guide me…that is when I started getting somewhere.
DJ paddles to me and gently says, “I’m sorry this sucks. Come over to this side, the current is better. Stay right behind me, I want you close to me.”
With grief, there are no answers. Most times you just have to hold on tight and ride through the pain. There will be detours, people who make it worse and people who make it better, but the most important thing is to listen to Him lovingly calling you, “Stay close to me, I will show you the calm waters. Stay close, I want you right behind me.”
Inhale peace, exhale power.