I used to be sooo self-conscious —Never being the least bit confident in who I was. It’s hard to look people in the eyes when you don’t know who you are.
In college, I felt it in my gut I’d love teaching yoga, so I got certified. I started teaching morning classes and I hated it because ironically, I didn’t think about how a room full of eyes would be staring at me. Me—the young women who could barely look at herself in the mirror.
It wasn’t so much about my looks and not feeling like I looked beautiful, although that is that story for so many of us women. It was more so about how I had no idea who I was. I was a lost mess in college, being tossed around by the wind and the waves, never feeling grounded.
It followed me into my adult years. If I wanted healthy relationships with others and myself, I had to start dealing with all the things that were bubbling up inside of me. I had to stop, get quiet and listen to what my body was telling me.
Most people couldn’t tell that by looking at me, I held it all in. The war I’ve been fighting with my identity has always been an internal battle. Like a duck on the water, I would look cool, calm and collected on the outside, but deep down I was fluttering my feet, kicking so hard, trying to find some ground and not drown.
From my yoga practice, I’m taking what I’ve learned on my mat over the years out into the rest of the world and feel is trickling to all parts of my life. On the mat, I allow myself space to be quiet. Time to focus on my breath and feel my chest and belly rise and fall, with each breath I feel a little bit more like the version of JamieLee I want to be.
I got in front of the class last night for the first time in a long time. I got home and I started thinking about the then-JamieLee and the now-JamieLee. Not that one is better or worse than, but how the now-JamieLee has so many things I wish the then-JamieLee knew. That encouraging others to take a deep breath every once in awhile was something I so desperately needed for myself.
All aspects of this life are a practice. Somedays, we’re going rock a pose we’ve been working on and somedays we may face plant it. What I’m finding is, it’s all beautiful, as long as I get back up and try again.
Just because I am the one in the front of the room sometimes doesn’t mean I know anymore about yoga or life than the next person, we are constantly learning from everyone around us…if we dare approach it that way. That’s what I wish then-JamieLee knew, that I didn’t have to figure it all out before I took the next step.
Take a deep breath, feel your chest rise and fall, allow yourself to be in the moment and let the rest drift away.
xo,
JamieLee Joy